


I'm Not In Love

by lynxpointLeitmotif (everythingFangirl)



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Gamora, Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/M, Families of Choice, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23824846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingFangirl/pseuds/lynxpointLeitmotif
Summary: Gamora has never quite had time for love. So when she finally finds it, in her friends and her family and Peter, it takes her some time to figure things out.
Relationships: Drax the Destroyer & Gamora & Groot & Peter Quill & Rocket Raccoon, Gamora & Nebula (Marvel), Gamora & Peter Quill, Gamora/Peter Quill
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	I'm Not In Love

**Author's Note:**

> This is essentially a character study, based on a headcanon I've had for a while that Gamora is asexual. I originally mostly wrote this for myself, but decided to post it anyway because why not, and I hope some people can enjoy it regardless.

The concept of love has always been strange to Gamora. What is it like to truly love? What is its purpose? Romantic love, sexual love, familial love, platonic love… for some people, it seems so easy to navigate all of these concepts, but…

Thanos has always made it clear to her that she has no time for love. Duty, yes, devotion, yes, loyalty, yes, but not love. She is a warrior. The deadliest woman in the galaxy should not be preoccupied with love. So she tries to throw herself into her work, and most of the time, she succeeds. 

But she can’t quite detach herself from the concept. 

When she first meets Peter Quill, he seems exactly like every silly, self-absorbed man she has ever met. Entitled, messy, flippant, thinking he knows better than everybody else. Gets himself, her, and two other bounty hunters captured because of his own arrogance…

Saves her life. For his own ends, of course, but… still. And the four of them - five of them now, they somehow managed to drag her prospective killer along with them - manage to escape their prison, agreeing to work with her on her mission. The others are in it for the money, of course, but… it’s nice for someone to have her back for once. 

Until they don’t. Until any plan she may have had for the Orb falls apart around her, and Drax’s arrogance nearly gets them all killed, and - 

Quill saves her life again. And this time, there was nothing for him to gain. ~~There’s something for him to gain but she doesn’t want to consider that right now.~~ A man she had just met is willing to sacrifice his own life for hers. Gamora barely knows how to react. It had been so long since someone had shown such a genuine act of kindness towards her - 

And she can’t afford to think about that right now. Ronan has the orb, everything is still falling apart and it’s because of Quill - 

But the others come back for them. And all of a sudden, Gamora finds herself sitting among a group of ragtag misfits, all of them still here despite every reason against it, despite having nothing to gain from being here. People who had managed to save each other’s lives multiple times now - had saved _Gamora’s_ life now - and… 

It's been so long since Gamora had last been among people who would even consider doing something good with no personal gain; who wouldn’t be willing to stab her in the back at the first opportunity. Without knowing it, she suddenly finds herself among… friends? Had she every truly even had friends? 

...it's nice. 

So when Gamora stands, and says _I have spent most of my life surrounded by my enemies. I will be grateful to die among my friends._ it feels like the truest words she has spoken in years. 

They save the world. It might be the first time Gamora has really saved anything. Then it’s the first time she shares a ship with people she doesn’t quite hate. The first time she’s given a space of her own, with complete control over what she does with it. First times all around. 

Quill - Peter - keeps bugging her to loosen up, and little by little, she does. She spends less time brooding in her quaters, contemplating Thanos and her sister and their next steps, and more time with the rest of the crew. And in the ensuing months, they learn each other’s strengths and weaknesses, their skills and talents, their likes and dislikes, and sure, being stuck together on a small spaceship with four other people does ensue in some bonding. 

She looks after Groot. She spars with Drax when he gets restless (she’s the only one who can keep up with him), and realizes that without the pressure of Thanos looking over her shoulder, it can be fun. She plans the group’s movements and budget with Rocket and starts taking interest in his discussions on the latest technological developments; she discovers a knack for programming that she had never had the time to focus on before. She gets truly drunk for the first time in her life and hates every moment of it. She finds small trinkets she likes and she gets gifts from her friends and she slowly makes her space feel more like… home. 

And Gamora begins to notice how Peter knows the words to every song on that cassette of his, begins warming up to his music taste, admires his piloting skills, laughs at his quips and his mishaps… and Peter listens to her, takes her seriously, treats her less and less like an ally or an object of desire and more like a friend. A co-parent of this little family they’ve built themselves. 

Until she starts noticing the way he glances at her when he thinks she isn’t looking; how the love songs start showing up more and more often in his music; how he keeps dropping hints about this ‘unspoken thing’. And Gamora doesn’t know how to react. 

She has seen this song and dance before, but has never truly participated in it. She has seen men and women throw themselves into unimaginable situations for - what, exactly? Physical pleasure? She has played it to her advantage before, getting closer to men in order to better slit their throats, but… she knows for a fact that she has not felt that desire herself before. Even when she was a child, contemplating her past and her future and her family, the concept of romantic love was a fascination, a dream; the concept of sexual love was anything but. She doesn’t know what Peter wants from her; she knows exactly what Peter wants from her. And she doesn’t know how to respond. 

She doesn’t recognize the emotions building up inside her, can’t identify the source of the warmth in her chest when their eyes meet, so she looks away. In the midst of a crescendo of emotion after their ship crashes and Peter finds his father and Rocket doesn’t respond to her calls, she yells at him about Cheers when he brings it up again, only barely comprehending what he’s trying to say. But after he shouts _I finally found my family!_ something seems to shatter inside of her. So she runs. 

And Nebula finds her. After their encounter, after trying to kill each other yet again like nothing had ever changed… _You were the one who wanted to win, and I just wanted a sister!_ Suddenly, so many things make sense. For the first time, Gamora thinks she truly sees eye-to-eye with her. 

It’s love. What she feels for her sister, what she allows herself to finally, genuinely, feel towards her sister, is love. What she feels towards her crew, her friends, her family, is love. And when her heart feels like it’ll break into a million pieces when she realizes exactly what Ego has planned for Peter, when her heart drops as their ship explodes or when she’s trapped under pillars of rock or when Rocket makes it to the surface but Peter doesn’t, when she feels more scared than she ever has that she’s lost him for good, when she realizes just how much she doesn’t want to lose him…

She realizes it’s love too. 

Maybe not the kind that Peter expects from her, maybe not the kind that all those stories and songs are about, but it’s still love. And it’s not any less deep or any less meaningful because of it.

She loves him. Not quite in the way that he does, that he wants, but they find a way to make it work. After the shock has faded, after Peter has had time to process his grief and Gamora has had time to miss her sister, after they get themselves settled in their new ship (Mantis takes some time to adjust to the group, but she’s just as welcome there as anyone else), Gamora finally reaches out to Peter. And he accepts her. For a time, they’re happy, happier than Gamora can ever remember being. 

She loves him. But still, after everything, she can never quite bring herself to say it. She can’t bring herself to say it. She doesn’t say it - 

Until it’s already too late.


End file.
